This was the topic of my presentation for our first Essential Society team Inspiration and Action Day on the weekend. So many of us, particularly women, struggle with the self-talk in their heads. Especially when it comes to the negative self-talk. We can be so critical of ourselves and what we say to ourselves has a direct impact on our success (positive or negative).
I have picked up a few tips and tricks along the way to flip the negative self-talk in my head to overcome some things that have held me back or contributed to me feeling stuck. It is this that I shared in my presentation, so I wanted to provide a re-cap here too because I know there is someone that needs to read this.
When you look at this girl below what do you see?
I see a girl with big dreams, big visions, confident in herself and her abilities, not concerned about what others think. She believes in herself and believes that she can fly!
That’s the thing about kids – they are not afraid to dream, they believe in themselves and believe they can do anything.
But somewhere along the way, between the age of this little girl and adolescence, we lose that ability to dream and believe. Events and situations happen in life that make us doubt our abilities. We may have had someone tell us something negative, or had a situation where we haven’t achieved what we wanted to. All these things shape the person we become and contribute to the stories we tell ourselves about who we are and what we can achieve.
We were all just like this little girl once.
I know that all of us have said negative things to ourselves which has had a direct impact on something we have wanted to achieve.
We all come into this business with doTERRA with baggage right? with things to work on.
Lucky for us, doTERRA is a personal development company wrapped up in oils right?
You cannot progress in this business without going on a journey of personal development and growth and getting your mindset right is a big part of it.
But before I get into it, I want to share a little bit about me, my journey and why I have had to flip the negative self-talk in my head.
Growing up, just like the little girl above – I had big dreams of what I wanted to achieve. I was pretty confident, I believed in myself and believed that I Could be anything or anyone I wanted to be.
There was absolutely no negative self-talk in my head. I wanted to have it all.
There were many things I wanted to be when I grew up – a singer, a dancer (even though I couldn’t dance), a model, an actor. The one thing out of these I was good at was singing. I sang at school and joined the Australian Youth Choir. I absolutely loved singing and had a good voice but at the time during my teenage years it wasn’t ‘cool’ to sing. I had boyfriends who broke up with me because I sang at my chapel service. So I let the stories in my head get the better of me and I stopped singing at school and quit the choir just as I had been offered a scholarship for free tuition. Needless to say, my confidence took a hit.
So much so, that whenever I had to speak at school in front of the class, I would get so worried about what other people were thinking. I blush really easily (I can feel it now) and people would say I was going as red as a tomato. This continued throughout school and while I still set big goals for myself, singing definitely wasn’t one of them anymore.
I let the thoughts of others (or my perceived thoughts of others) get inside my head.
This lack of confidence continued while I was at uni. I struggled speaking in front of people for fear that they would laugh at me. I told myself that I wasn’t good enough, didn’t know enough and many other negative things.
I did, however manage to get past this. I got through my presentations and did well at uni.
My dream had changed to working in a marketing role and working my way up the corporate ladder. I was thrilled when I got my first real job in marketing.
I always strived to do well in my work and got promoted a few times but still those negative thoughts and comments that were made during high school were still in my head making me doubt my abilities, especially when it came to speaking in front of others. I hated doing presentations and never felt like I was any good at them. While, I had some success with promotions at work, I know that the negative stories I was telling myself were impacting on my success.
My goals changed after having our first child, Hudson. My positon at work was made redundant which made me re-evaluate my goals and where I wanted to be in future.
I didn’t want my career to be in the hands of someone else. My redundancy was not genuine and I didn’t want to experience that ever again. So set a new goal to create something of my own that I could do around kids and family life.
It took me trying a few different things (Tupperware, blogging, graphic design work, online course) before doTERRA crossed my path. I had seen it but didn’t get it and thought the oils were for hippies and so not me. Many people I had designed ebooks for were getting into doTERRA (now Blue Diamond and diamond leaders) but it wasn’t until I worked with Alice (my upline) that she sent me some oils and as they say the rest is history!
But that’s not really how the story goes.
I want to share some of my doTERRA journey with you because it hasn’t all been sunshine and rainbows. There have definitely been highs and lows.
The journey isn’t linear right?
Many times I have doubted myself, lacked confidence, compared myself to others and thought I wasn’t good enough or didn’t know enough. And a had a lot of confidence issues from my past that I needed to work through.
I have had to work on my mindset along the way and change the thoughts I’ve had in my head.
So, onto my doTERRA journey…
At wasn’t long after working with Alice that I bought my kit and decided then that I was going to pursue the business as it ticked all the boxes for me to create the time and financial freedom I had been working towards with my other ventures.
Ben (my hubby) was very patient with me during that time as I found my thing. I am sure he is happy that I have found what I want to do for life.
I dived in to sharing the oils even though I didn’t know much. I had a handful of oils experiences from the oils I had used from the home essentials kit. I hadn’t used them all when I started sharing them. I had notes when I ran classes for the first year! I certainly wasn’t polished but I was real and shared my oil wins.
I had a few successes early on. I enrolled someone after my first facebook post which gave me the confidence to book my first class. I am pretty sure I locked it in and invited people before realising that I would actually have to speak and present to them!
I was nervous and pretty much read off my notes, but it was successful and I enrolled a couple of people.
Again this gave me a bit of a confidence boost, so I reached out to a friend of mine who owned a yoga studio about running a class there. She said yes! After she said yes, I had all the negative thoughts creep in – ‘who am I to run this class?’, ‘I hardly know anything about oils’, ‘ what if I draw and blank and don’t know what to say’, ‘ what if someone asks a question I don’t know the answer to?’, what if no one shows up’, ‘ what if no one buys anything’ and the list goes on
Again at this class, I had my notes and read off them. It was scary and I am sure I blushed a few times, I didn’t know all the answers but people connected with me and I enrolled a few people even though I had no idea what I was doing.
While I did have a lot of negative self-talk in my head at this time, I had a few mantrras that I would say to get in the right headspace. These were ‘start before you are ready’ and ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’.
So these early successes did give me a much needed confidence boost and I almost believed that I could do this biz.
However this confidence boost didn’t last long.
My next class bombed and nobody enrolled, the next class nobody showed up. It felt pretty crappy. My confidence came crashing down and I started to question whether I was cut out for this biz. The negative thoughts were creeping back in.
I have had over 10 classes where people haven’t showed up or no-one has enrolled. I’ve had loads of people say no to classes or no to oils. Every time, I have had a choice to keep going or to quit.
Now, I know you all know what I chose, because I wouldn’t be here if I quit.
I worked on my mindset and was willing to try things and get them wrong.
I didn’t know all the answers and I still don’t know all the answers now.
But, what I did do is get really good at blocking out the negative thoughts in my head AND focus on all the things that I had achieved and could do and I kept my two year vision for what I wanted to create at front of mind and built up a narrative of positive self-talk.
Have you held back from doing something because of the negative self-talk you have in your head?
If you are nodding while reading, I know a lot of this is due to fear and fear of what others will think.
You know what? The scariest thing we can do is let ourselves be seen!
But in this business, the best thing we can do for our biz growth and personal growth is to let ourselves be seen.
It may never get easy but the more we do it, the better we get and the less scary it is. It’s like a muscle – when you extend it, you are pushing it to see how far it can stretch. This is the same when it comes to your mindset. The more we push ourselves to uncomfortable places, the more we grow.
There is not one of us in this room that hasn’t been held back by fear, their negative self-talk or worry about what others think.
I bet every single Presidential Diamond leader has experienced it too.
So let’s spend some time chatting about this negative self-talk.
We all do it and we will all continue to do it. To achieve the success we all want, we need to overcome it and therefore, need to work on our mindset.
We all have an inner voice, an inner critic. Sometimes this can be helpful in keeping us motivated towards our goals but often its more harmful than it is helpful.
We are going to do some sharing in a minute, but first let’s define what negative self-talk is.
Negative self-talk is any negative thought that you have with yourself that limits your ability to believe in yourself and your own abilities and reach your potential.
We did a brainstorm at our event on the negative thoughts we have told ourselves. Here is a list of things you may have told yourself and I am sure you can add more to it.
- I am not good enough
- I don’t know enough
- I can’t do XYZ
- I’ll never be good at that
- Why would anyone buy from me
- I am not confident enough to do a facebook live
- What if I get it wrong?
- It’s not perfect
It’s really ironic that I chose to talk about this topic, because as I was preparing it and writing some notes, I had all the negative self-talk in my head. “Who I am to talk on this topic?”, “What do I know about overcoming negative self-talk?”, “What if no one enjoys what I have to say?”, “What if it doesn’t resonate?” and the list goes on. But I used a few things that I have in the past to switch this self-talk around into positives.
Negative self-talk can be stressful, depressing and can stunt your success, limiting what you can achieve.
However, we all know that it is going to happen and has for all of us in this room, so how do we go about minimising it?
These are all great suggestions. There are so many ways that we can minimise the self-talk, so at our event I want shared some tips I have picked up along the way:
CATCH YOUR CRITIC – learn to notice when you are being self-critical so you can begin to stop
YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ARENT ALWAYS REALITY – they can be skewed and be influenced by your mind, so stop and assess if they are actually reality.
CONTAIN YOUR NEGATIVITY – surround yourself with positive thoughts and people – those that lift you up.
CHANGE YOUR LANGUAGE + THE INTENSITY OF IT – instead of “I’m so hopeless, it will never work”, change it to “this is a challenge that I can overcome”.
THINK LIKE A FRIEND – we often says things in our head that we would never say to a friend, so don’t say it to yourself.
SHIFT YOUR PERSPECTIVE – sometimes looking at things for the long term helps you change your perspective and makes you realise that it wont matter in 5 or 10 year’s time.
SAY IT OUT LOUD OR TELL A FRIEND (OR SOMEONE IN THE TEAM) – sometimes it leads to a good laugh and shines a light on how ridiculous self talk can be.
REPLACE THE BAD WITH SOME GOOD – tell yourself the things you can do and are good at. Remind yourself of all you have achieved.
You can also surround yourself with positive quotes and affirmations, spend time with people who lift you up, or check in with a mentor or trusted friend to share how you are feeling.
When I have these negative thoughts pop into my head, I have two options, I can sit there and listen to them or I can flip them on their head and use some of the tactics I just mentioned to kick those thoughts to the curb.
Its ok to spend a bit of time there sometimes, but you want to develop some tactics to have in your toolbox to get out of that negative space as quickly as you can.
Did you know that research has shown that positive self-talk is a great predictor of success.
So, let’s talk about this positive self-talk.
What thoughts do you think that the people that succeed tell themselves?
What do you think their self-talk looks like?
Not just specific to doTERRA but any industry – success leaves clues.
I think their self-talk would be something like this:
- I am willing to get things wrong, I don’t know all the answers.
- Keep going
- Focus on the goal – the long term outcome
- Mistakes guide the future – you have to make them to learn from them
- Every no gets you closer to a yes
- There are many paths to the top of the mountain
- They know they have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.
- Revisit their goals and their WHY
- Try something new – a new way of doing things
- I am good enough
- I am worthy
- I can do this
As humans, (women maybe moreso than men), we are constantly telling ourselves stories about who we are and what we are capable of achieving.
All of the narratives we tell ourselves, both the fiction and non-fiction are what we internalise and use to create our self-identity.
All of the stories we tell ourselves about our shortcomings and failures fuel the negative self-talk that leads us to accept the myth of a single narrative.
It’s our interpretation of the past and how we project the future that determines the path ahead.
The stories we tell ourselves can lift us or lock us down.
See the images below, its not a spot the difference. From the outside, this girl looks exactly the same (yes it is me). But underneath these images, I have written the thoughts that are in this girls head. Have a read below.
I am not good enough
I don’t know enough
I can’t do XYZ
I’ll never be good at that
Why would anyone buy from me
I am not confident enough to go live on facebook
What if I get it wrong?
It’s not perfect
Why would anyone listen to me?
What do I have to offer?
It’s a stupid idea
No one is interested in what I have to say
I can never be as successful as XYZ
They will laugh at me
I am a failure
I am willing to get things wrong, I don’t know all the answers.
Focus on the goal – the long term outcome
Mistakes guide the future – you have to make them to learn from them
Every no gets you closer to a yes
There are many paths to the top of the mountain
They know they have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.
Revisit their goals and their WHY
Try something new – a new way of doing things
I am good enough
I am worthy
I can do this
Let’s call the one on the left Sarah1 and the one on the right Sarah2.
Yes they look exactly the same on the outside, but knowing what they are telling themselves in their head, who do you think will be more successful?
The narratives in our head, inevitably shape who we become and what we achieve.
If the narrative in your head is positive and lifts you up, you are likely to be more successful. If it is negative, like Sarah1, it will lock you down.
Instead of believing the narratives that tell us what we can’t do, we can choose to focus on what we can control.
When we don’t like a narrative, we can write a new one.
At any given moment, we can make the next choice to move closer to our goals.
Just one step in the direction you want to head.
Moving towards a new narrative, no matter how slow is all you have to worry about.
It may take some time as you flex that muscle and switch your self-talk.
It’s time to leave behind whatever stories you have been telling yourself.
Take some time to write down your negative self-talk and then write your new narrative.
So, this time, right now, is your opportunity to re-write your story and change your life.
When your mindset is right, it is easier to get into action. Action creates results and results breed confidence and moves you forward.
You are going to get knocked back, you will get no’s, you will have times when you don’t hit your goals, times when no one shows up to your class which is all part of the journey – it doesn’t mean you have failed, you are flexing that muscle and moving closer to your goals.
The best part is that you can continue to re-write your narrative as you progress in your business and your life.
You don’t have to stay where you are.
You have the power to change.
You are writing the story.
Tell it to yourself over and over until your truly believe it.
When you believe in yourself, you can write any narrative you want.
It’s time for you to change your life, write a new story – the pen is in your hand, make it a good one.